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Secrets To Connect/Adoptive Parent Tips/Staying Regulated So They Can Heal!

Friday, October 07, 2022

Staying Regulated So They Can Heal!

We often think the work to be done is in discipline, boundaries, schedules or rigid expectations when it comes to helping a newly adopted child move forward. And while there is value in schedules and knowing what to expect, the one thing that changes the game when it comes to healing in a child who has been hurt, is having a parent who is aware of their own emotions and knows how to get and stay regulated themselves--even when all the buttons are being pushed.

Friday, October 07, 2022

Dakota had an uncanny ability to push my buttons without following through on his threatened behavior. 

His reaction to being asked to do pretty much anything was extreme.  And after spending extensive amounts of time with him, though he didn't yet live with us, I finally had a tool in my tool box to diffuse a situation that presented itself almost daily.

In this particular moment, he was threatening to throw a vase at me for asking him to turn off the T.V. His face scrunched up, his feet shoulder width apart, looking like a savage child raised by wolves, he invited me to cross him-to give him an excuse to throw it.  

Imagine at this point my mind rewinding. It was like everything was put into slow motion and my brain was processing the moment at half speed. Only weeks before we had attended an amazing and life changing seminar that gave us a new perspective (albeit one we had suspected) on traumatized children and how they react to the world.

The basic concept was that, because of the literal brain damage to the frontal lobe, which handles decision making and attachment, abused kids react to everything in a very primal way. Usually, if they are acting out it is because their brain is convinced they are about to die.

Seriously.

Because of this, as the parent of a formerly abused child, you have to make them feel safe in order to stop the behavior. Not by condoning the behavior, but by reassuring them that they are safe and loved.

Really.

So as my 6 year old son stood in front of the T.V, threatening to bludgeon me with a glass vase, I dropped to the floor across the room and softly assured him that he was safe and that I loved him.

This was a scary moment for me. It was the first time I had been regulated enough myself to act on what I had learned in the seminar. I didn’t fully believe it would work. After all, we had been experiencing violent tantrums, verbal threats and even physical injuries from these kids for months.

And my parenting paradigm said that I would be yielding control to a 6 year old if I didn’t overpower him and make him behave properly. My whole paradigm up to this point was based on punishment.

What if it didn’t work?

But what if it did?

Dakota paused. His eyes softened. He slowly lowered the vase and put it on the coffee table. Then, he ran and folded into my arms on my lap and began to cry.

Of course, I cried too! It had worked. And it was my first lesson in the power of staying regulated and in the moment. The first proof of the power of not letting your emotions get in the way of your child healing.

And it was only the beginning…

See other posts like this one:

Friday, November 29, 2024

My Brother's Big Problem

Wednesday, September 04, 2024

The Boy on the Plane-Dealing with Incontinence in Children

Wednesday, August 28, 2024

History of Homeopathy Pt. 1

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

The Sibling Connection-Fostering good relationships between biological and adopted siblings.

Monday, February 13, 2023

Babies Can Be Traumatized Too

Saturday, February 11, 2023

Heal Today, Responsibility Tomorrow

Thursday, December 29, 2022

Please, Don't Lock Up the Fridge!

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

The Tantrum That Never Erupted

Monday, December 19, 2022

Depression and Anxiety in Your Adopted Teen

Tuesday, November 29, 2022

The Crazy Things We Do When We Don’t Know A Simpler Way

Sunday, November 27, 2022

Preventing Holiday Meltdowns

Sunday, November 27, 2022

Believing Through The Fear

Sunday, November 13, 2022

Traveling With Adopted Kids-Three Tips To Make Your Travels Less Dramatic

Saturday, October 22, 2022

Do You Need A Therapist?

Thursday, October 20, 2022

Interested in Homeschooling? Remember, Your Children Are Different

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Sandra is not a physician and the relationship between Sandra and her clients is not of prescriber and patient, but as educator and client. It is fully the client's choice whether or not to take advantage of the information Sandra presents. Homeopathy doesn't "treat" an illness; it addresses the entire person as a matter of wholeness that is an educational process, not a medical one. Sandra believes that the advice and diagnosis of a physician is often in order.