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Secrets To Connect/The Sibling Connection-Fostering good relationships between biological and adopted siblings.

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

The Sibling Connection-Fostering good relationships between biological and adopted siblings.

When I heard the argument heating up in the upstairs I raced through the house to cut off the blooming aggression at the pass. By the time I reached the bottom of the stairs it was too late. Dakota was already in the act of pushing Ezra down the stairs and there was nothing I could do. What happened next made me cry.

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

Sibling Rivalry and Cutting It Off at the Pass

Sibling rivalry is tricky when it comes to adoption because emotions are running higher than they would be in a traditional family.

With trauma comes baggage.  Usually in the form of anger, sadness and jealousy--which can be a recipe for disaster when it comes to sibling relationships.

Our biggest strategy and also our most successful one when it came to sibling rivalry was role playing.  Mostly with Ezra (our biological and oldest child) after our two adopted kids had gone to bed.  

This turned out to be incredibly helpful.

The way we did this was that, after the younger kids were in bed, we would let Ezra stay up a little longer to debrief about the day. (This works best if your adopted kids are all younger than your biological kids--which we highly suggest but understand that isn't always possible.)

Then, we would discuss any situations that were difficult and talk them through.  What could we have done differently to be more understanding? How could we have helped the situation not to escalate? 

And when I say "we" I really mean we.  All of us admitted where we had gone wrong and what we had done right--not just Ezra.  As a result, we were able to talk through things when they were fresh in our memories.

So back to my story...

Just as I rounded the base of the staircase and looked up, I gasped as I watched Dakota shove Ezra, who was standing with his back to the steps. It all happened in slow motion as I tried to call out but no sound would come.

Lightening fast, as if he had been anticipating what was about to happen, 9 year old Ezra grabbed the banister and swung himself back toward Dakota. Without missing a beat he spoke words that I couldn’t believe I was hearing as I stood, still frozen in place, at the base of the stairs.

“Dakota, you are safe and I love you. And nothing you can do to me will make this family give you up.”



Whoa. We had been teaching Ezra how to deal with aggression after the younger kids were in bed, roll playing situations and seeing if he could come up with his own words to communicate to them that he loved them and they were safe. This had been the ultimate test and he had passed with flying colors!

I still couldn’t catch my breath as I watched at the bottom of the stairs as he hugged Dakota.

Dakota received the hug, hung his head, mumbled that he was sorry and they both went back into the play room to finish their lego project. To this day I have no idea what the skirmish was about.

That was one of a handful of times that our oldest, biological son, used what we had taught him to diffuse a frustrating and sometimes potentially dangerous situation. Certainly, had we not taught him those techniques, he may not even be with us today. That was a long staircase and he narrowly missed a heinous fall.

It also demonstrates how threatened adopted children can be, even in a setting that to us, seems perfectly harmless.

Dakota certainly didn’t wake up that day plotting to kill his brother. But if we really are honest, he nearly DID kill him that day. I still don’t like to think about it!

Some of you are in similar situations with your children. They have nearly hurt someone or maybe even attempted what could be considered homicide against you or a sibling.

These actions are no laughing matter but the reality is, a child who is behaving in this way is not doing it out of spite. They are doing it as a matter of survival.

With that in mind, you have to approach the situation in a way that communicates love and not punishment. Why? Because punishment just makes the fear increase and the behaviors worsen.

There are two big lessons from this story.  The first is that children with trauma histories will de-escalate if YOU initiate the de-escalation.  The second is that prevention and preparation are key to keeping everyone safe in your home.

See other posts like this one:

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Monday, February 13, 2023

Babies Can Be Traumatized Too

Saturday, February 11, 2023

Heal Today, Responsibility Tomorrow

Thursday, December 29, 2022

Please, Don't Lock Up the Fridge!

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

The Tantrum That Never Erupted

Monday, December 19, 2022

Depression and Anxiety in Your Adopted Teen

Tuesday, November 29, 2022

The Crazy Things We Do When We Don’t Know A Simpler Way

Sunday, November 27, 2022

Preventing Holiday Meltdowns

Sunday, November 27, 2022

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Sunday, November 13, 2022

Traveling With Adopted Kids-Three Tips To Make Your Travels Less Dramatic

Saturday, October 22, 2022

Do You Need A Therapist?

Thursday, October 20, 2022

Interested in Homeschooling? Remember, Your Children Are Different

Friday, October 07, 2022

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Sandra is not a physician and the relationship between Sandra and her clients is not of prescriber and patient, but as educator and client. It is fully the client's choice whether or not to take advantage of the information Sandra presents. Homeopathy doesn't "treat" an illness; it addresses the entire person as a matter of wholeness that is an educational process, not a medical one. Sandra believes that the advice and diagnosis of a physician is often in order.